Before we had kids I had heard as part of a joke that the only way to avoid sibling rivalry was to not have more than one kid (or maybe it was kids at all, lol).  Little did I know how true that is and how early the competition starts.  Kids seem to get a sense of "fair" very early on.  Our kids are no exception.  Sometimes fair is easy to determine and sometimes it isn't so clear cut.  But the most interesting thing is how my kids don't just point out what is fair when they think they are the one being slighted.  Oh, no - they will call you on it for their sibling too (or at least both of ours have).  This says to me that what is going on in their mind is more than "just looking out for themselves."  

For instance our daughter knew at her brother's first birthday what was normal for a birthday at our house and made sure that I had everything for him.  Cute and interesting.  I guess she felt he didn't know what to expect and felt it was her place to make sure everything was as it should be.  Fast forward a year and she wanted to pick his birthday theme.  We said no, he gets to pick his own now that he's older like you did/do.  And when asked if she thought it would be fair for him to pick out her theme, she said sure.  He can pick princesses for me.  Not exactly girl - his pick means he could pick anything.  Thing is he probably would pick princess or something she'd like (he already has a sense of her preferences), but no we didn't go with her suggestion of a King Triton birthday (can we say difficult and why not at least stick with Flouder?) - we let him pick and he chose Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

He looks out for her too.  He will make sure that she has a toy (usually her favorite too) if they start playing something and he gets into it first.  And if she should happen to finish breakfast before he gets downstairs to eat in the morning he is truly worried that she is missing breakfast.  (Trust me buddy we feed her too!)

The problem is fair isn't something that is clear cut.  They both know it isn't fair for one of them to have a snack and the other not.  Oh, no!  The funny thing is that they don't even have to like what the other has and they want some.  Every time she shares a grapefruit with me, he has to have a segment of it too.  It does not matter that he has ZERO interest in actually eating it.  That is completely beside the point - he wants some too (and secretly I hope sometime he might give it another chance).  

This gets interesting sometimes because he has food allergies and she does not.  And explaining to a 1 year old (now almost 2, but this isn't new) that he cannot eat something because it will make him sick - HA!  If you can, you are better than I!  He simply sees a food that you aren't sharing and firmly believes that isn't fair.  And I agree.  So she cannot eat foods he cannot eat when he is around.  Most of the time this is pretty easy to maintain.  But you see we do leave the house.  :-)  So when we are visiting other people they are not as informed and it can get tricky.  Well meaning people have offered both of them foods that he cannot have.  Fortunately most know to ask and we've been able to intercept potential problems (you'd be amazed what might contain peanuts).  And we have been lucky in that the most common person that this happens with can always come up with an acceptable alternate for him.  In fact once discovering his love for cornbread our sweet neighbor is so kind as to bring some over (for both of them) whenever she makes some.  (And for a full disclosure she has spoiled us parents too with food a time or two!  :-)  I so love having her as a neighbor!).  

But again it isn't always easy to make things fair - in my eyes or theirs.  They are different genders and ages, which means they aren't always into the same things.  And they do have different preferences for foods, activities, etc.  So we try to navigate the best we know how.  And don't do anything stupid like only have one yogurt cup in the house.  :-)  (But even that  can be split in two!)

(You have to understand that yogurt is a big deal around here most nights.  Here they are happily eating some each with their own cup because I firmly believe pictures are a necessity.)

So how do other's handle this situation?  I imagine the dynamics are a little different with twins or with larger age gaps.  And as they get older they can understand a little bit better, which I would think has to help.  But how do you make sure holidays, birthdays, etc are equal?  How do you handle after school activities when they're older?  Equal number?  I know the cost differences can vary quite a bit, so do you take that into account?  If so, how?  If you have experiences, tips, whatever I'd love to hear your input.  I figure I have many years ahead of me with sibling rivalry or at least the potential for and can use the help from those that have been there, done that.  If you don't want to post as a comment you can email me at mkmiller94 AT gmail dot com.